Hero - Tape 4

(Beep. Music fades in)

My girlfriend has been out of town the past few days. There was a death in the family, and she needed to go to the funeral. I know I probably should have gone with her. As her partner, I’m obligated to provide her at least a fraction of the moral support that she’s given me, and attending a funeral with her is right up that alley. Or low on that ladder. 

Or it would be in any other relationship. Or if she had any other partner. Instead, I am sitting alone in an empty apartment. Making a tape for you on a podcast feed when I could just email you. Or call, that’s an option too. I think I let a lot of people down this week.

But she and I were worried what would happen if I was around someone who was recently deceased. Or if I stood in a crowd of people in mourning. Or worse yet, if I went to the cemetery. Emphasis on the cemetery. It was a place my grandfather told my mom to never take me. 

She didn’t always listen. And we would end up there for some event or another. On those nights I would have some of the worst dreams. They can all be bad in their own ways, true, but these would be incoherent and dissonant screams. All night long. I couldn’t wake myself up.

My girlfriend knows this. She’s heard these stories. And maybe I should not have told her because it did sew more discord between her and my mother. But I needed to be clear with her about my limitations and what they are. She needs to know that I won’t always be a good partner. I mean, no one will be a good partner all the time. It’s about compatibility more than anything else. 

She told me she can take this on her own. Maybe this time she can. I should not doubt her, but what about next time?

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I know you never wanted me to dream about you. But I think it is more complicated than that. Sure, you don’t want me to have the responsibilities or burdens that come with the dream, and that I appreciate, but sometimes, albeit rarely, it’s not like that. 

The dream about you and the bells, I… I want you to know that it wasn’t a bad one. It brought me comfort. You know how I can get, right? I always assume that I’m the worst thing that ever happened to you, even if it’s not my fault that I’m the worst thing that ever happened to you. It’s like… Let’s say you run over a nail on the way to work, and it jammed itself in not one but two of your tires. And now you have to cannot even rely on your spare tire to get you to the next shop--or whatever it’s called--because you have two flats and one spare. So that’s an automatically tow your car situation. Which is definitely a pain.

However, it wasn’t the nail’s fault that it was in the road or that cars only come with one spare because there are very few situations when someone would need two. But there you are, in a situation where you need two spare tires.

In that story, I don’t know what the nail is should represent. Me or my circumstances. Maybe both. I mean, metaphors don’t have to be so clean cut, after all. But something is off… Something is happening. The chain of events is harder to understand.

But I do really love those bells. And I was happy that you remembered that.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Honestly, you know that old expression: the devil you know is better than the one you don’t. Is that how it goes? I don’t know the specifics. But things you don’t know are always scarier than the things you do, I would say. Because the unknown can be pretty much anything.

There was this… There was this one symbol in the dreams that wasn’t so clear cut. A lot of them weren’t straightforward, but I could piece them together. This was different, and the internet has been surprisingly little help. Really, it just makes me feel more alone in this.

I’d like to think that’s why replying to your email has been hard. There’s steps involved, and those steps involve the internet. So I just keep getting caught up on different ones. But my girlfriend was trying to reach you. Was she able to? Or did it get caught in the university’s firewall. She thought it was overstepping a boundary to use my alumni email account and tried using one of hers instead, but in the face of that uncertainty, I’m starting to disagree. But I appreciate the thought.

Really, when I try to look up this… This thing, I don’t find anyone like me coming up. It’s either unabashedly proud mediums and psychics or psychologists and psychiatrists. And the latter group is great in their own way, but woo boy, I do not need someone who is super into Freud’s work. Or even if they aren’t, dream analysis is still not a field that’s all too kind to this particular aspect of my life. In terms of a therapist, I did it find a great one, but it took me forever. And she is the definition of one in a million. 

I’ve just found that there’s no room or place like where I find myself: in this state of uncertainty, walking by mere trust alone. 

And that makes sense. We are beings wired to know. We are inquisitive by our nature. And that’s worked out for us. Mostly. We’ve definitely had our bad moments. Don’t get me wrong. But there isn’t anything bad about the general principle of certainty. When it can be had.

Can it be had here? I feel like every person who hears my voice will find it so easy to jump onto one side or another, but I can’t. I really can’t. It’s one thing to know and another to live. That’s really the best summation I can come up with.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

The worst is when I am dreaming of my teeth falling out. That’s the symbol I don’t understand. It’s a disconcerting feeling, even when it’s not a literal feeling, and it’s happening in a dream. 

But if you look it up on the internet, it might not mean that my teeth are rotting out of my face but that I am seized by a sense of fear and uncertainty. Which--okay, that’s my default state, internet. You aren’t being so helpful when you insist upon that meaning.

But the other thing that comes up is… well, death. That a loved one is potentially dying. Or that death was looming over the horizon.

Now, it’s quickly dismissed as an old wives tale or a myth. It’s an irrational superstition that has lingered far too long, some would say. But not everyone I remember my grandpa telling me about it once. In a story about his grandmother. That the most feared dreams of hers were those in which her teeth fell out. It meant, he said, that someone was going to die. But it was a death that could not be prevented and would leave no unfinished business. It was almost a courtesy notification than anything else, a signal to help you prepare. 

But I don’t understand. I don’t understand. It’s come to pass. And I still don’t understand.

(Music fades out. Beep.)

The Oracle of Dusk is a Miscellany Media Studios Production. It is written, produced, performed, and edited by MJ Bailey with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful Music Supply. If you like the show, please consider leaving a review or telling your friends about it. And check out Aishi Online, the story of the voice you know all too well.