Father - Tape 4

(Beep. Music fades in.)

Things in the family were never all that great, were they? I certainly don’t remember a time when everything was fine. In fact, I hardly even remember you, and I’m sure there’s some overlap there. And that’s sad to say, even if it is accurate. I am left with a myth or legend to coexist with, to cope with, to deal with. I am the heiress of that which I could never full control. Or see. And that has led to many problems. Vaguely, speaking of course. Because I can’t really sort the details out. No matter how hard I try.

Maybe it’s been too long. Maybe not long enough, but I genuinely can’t tell if I made everything worse by my inadequacies or, rather, my inaction. Or my actual actions. Is it because of what I couldn’t do or what I did do? Is it because I couldn’t keep your legacy going? And if so, where exactly in that did I go wrong? Did I even have a chance?

I just don’t know how to make sense of what happened or where we are. Things aren’t what I was told they would be. And I know that’s what to expect from life. But when coupled with the impulse to make sense or at least understand, that’s easier said than done. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

You know, sometimes I blame my aunt and sometimes I don’t. It’s easy to do, yes, but the ramifications of that are so much worse. Unbearable, I guess, compared to the alternatives. I just don’t know how I live with myself if I settled on that. It feels like I’m denying her an aspect of her humanity, after all. People are allowed to make mistakes. People are allowed to seek out comfort. And if it’s the supernatural element you have a problem with, well, it’s not fair of me to be critical of that, so I can’t use that as a reason.

But above all, she was only second to mom on the whole “taking your death hard front.” She missed you. And obviously she missed the child that had died whose name I suddenly knew out of nowhere. It was easy not only to believe but to insert herself into that framework. This higher mission or a mission from you that kept her connected to both of you.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

It didn’t exactly ruin my cousin’s wedding. Even for me. But I say that with the caveat that I don’t entirely remember the day. Not much at all. I was in my own head and in a dress that no longer felt so beautiful.

The ceremony was nice. The reception, a blur. And of course, the post-reception party went late into the night, and I guess I can blame the lack of sleep for that one. But from what I can remember, which is not much, all of it was filled with this sense of dread or fear about what came next.

I was told too much or too little simultaneously. Or I found it when I was not meant to. I understood Filipino well enough that discussions about me had to happen in other rooms. And it was not like them to step away from the festivities, so when they did, it was quite obvious. Something was amiss. Something had gone awry. And that thing was me.

I was able to make out pieces of it though. Namely, that they didn’t know where to take me. We needed to go to a healer well-versed in the old ways, but there were very few of them as it seemed as if the nation were turning back on this aspect of its past. And reasons for that aside, it isn’t always… I mean, what if there were parts of it that you actually needed? I might be approaching a hoarder mentality, but you never know what the future truly holds. And storing knowledge is fairly easy and absolutely necessary, I would say. After all, with knowledge and only with knowledge, we can only grow by building off of what came before. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

There was someone nearby, I heard them say, but my grandfather had forbade us from ever going there. I did not know why at the time, but I do now. And it was likely better that I not know. So instead, we had to plan to go to the one a few towns over. Only to hear halfway through the day that she had died in her sleep some months prior. 

There was another one, was the quick reply. And she was only a bit farther away. 

I don’t know if anyone got to enjoy my cousin’s wedding. Certainly once the alcohol came out people thought they were having a good time, but up until then, everything was all about me. And this is not an easy situation to deal with.

I wanted to ask my cousin if he noticed, but I was constantly seated and grouped with the bride at every opportunity. She wanted us to be closer, and I appreciated that. She had no sister of her own, and of all of the cousins and their wives, she picked me to fill that void. And frankly, I did want to be picked. But there was something else I needed to be worried about. Them. The rest of the family. My aunt especially. Everything that was happening with them.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Maybe I get this from you, but I’ve never been the sort of person who can stay up late. Or maybe this is inevitable given this thing. This issue. So of course I had to go to bed early in the night. And as I walked up to the room I was given my aunt, she stopped me and essentially told me what I already knew: that they were taking me to the healer a few towns over tomorrow morning. 

And I didn’t sleep that night. I didn’t want to. But I must have dozed off at some point. I don’t remember because I did not dream, though. For what it’s worth. Very little, I would imagine. But that’s just how I learned this little trick I have. Of not sleeping then sleeping for hardly any time at all. At some point, my body just can’t dream, and I get something that is probably rest just not enough of it to make a difference or for me to get by.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Part of me can’t fathom why they brought me there. I mean, it wasn’t going to change anything. There was this part of me that hoped beyond hope that they were bringing me there to make this stop, but I knew it wasn’t true. It could never be true. It could be done, but it wasn’t what they wanted. Or it wasn’t what my aunt wanted. And when you look at it that way there was no way we could both be happy. And that is not satisfying in the slightest.

I was born into a world you had already shaped quite a bit. Even when you were gone, your memory still moved mountains. The problem is sometimes they drove right over me. 

But that’s not exactly a new tale, is it? It happens to a lot of children. 

(Music fades out. Beep.)

The Oracle of Dusk is a Miscellany Media Studios Production. It is written, produced, performed, and edited by MJ Bailey with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful Music Supply. If you like the show, please consider leaving a review or telling your friends about it. And check out Aishi Online, the story of the voice you know all too well.