Client UC.88M - Session 5

(Beep. Music fades in.)

I took the trash out today. Not a big moment, technically, but it felt like one because I haven’t been able to do it for so long. Our building’s back alley, where the dumpsters are, is a communal enough space that my girlfriend doesn’t like the idea of me going there, so she usually takes out the trash herself, even though that means that she has to go through this intense ritual when she comes inside. All the washing and scrubbing. We know it’s probably overkill, we know. It’s probably not doing much, but it does make her feel better. Like she’s doing something to protect me, so it does help her, technically.

But I got to do it the other day. She was absorbed in this lesson plan and really couldn’t be bothered. And I can’t really help her with that. I love her field of study as her field of study. Without her involved, I don’t think I would ever think about it. And yes, it might be important, but that doesn’t mean I have to acknowledge it. At all. Which is probably how I would handle it, knowing me.

And I, I know you don’t care about that at all. I just don’t know how or where to start with you. As a general rule, I’m not great at small talk, and you don’t like small talk, and we’re developing more of a… (inhale) not ideal history between the two of us. So not quite a dumpster fire; maybe just an ordinary dumpster because those things aren’t so great either. In fact, I think there’s a rat that hangs out by the one for our building. And like, if the dude just wants to chill, fair enough. But I don’t want snakes or owls to get any ideas about hitting up residents for meals, so… 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

So yeah, I mean, what you were doing could be classified as taking out the trash, so connection. Wow that was secretly brilliant. 

I’m not very good at this. I wasn’t chosen to be an oracle-esque figure because I was going to be particularly good at it. This was an accident of fate. So many things of our lives are just accidents of fate, it turns out. We inherit a lot of things and spend our whole lives trying to sort through what is trash and what isn’t. And it sucks sometimes. More than sometimes. The entire process is terrible.

But I mean, you always can avoid it, right? We’ve both tried that. We’ve both had long swatches of our lives where we avoided these issues. We let the world around us be what it is and made the most of it or work against it because we were convinced that in doing so we weren’t playing this game, and if we weren’t playing this game, then we were winning, right? We were doing something, after all. We were taking control of our lives. 

That’s just not how the cosmic game, as it were, works. Not playing is a strategy but because it’s an action relative to the game, it’s not the genius work around you think it is. You still have to deal with the fall out. Things are still what they were always, and if that was detrimental to you, well then, that problem is pretty apparent in and of itself, right?

Been there. Done that.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

You have no way of knowing this, but there’s an irony in us not getting along. We share so many things in common, you know. Or maybe it’s not irony. Maybe that’s self-loathing in a new context. Dysfunction isn’t  untouched by human creativity. Or vice, versa. Not really sure which would go first in that context. 

But anyway, when I said you didn’t have to justify anything to me, I meant that. When I strongly implied that there was nothing satisfactory I could say to you, I meant that. And sure, we got ourselves caught in the details, the frustration of the details, but we ended up where we needed to be: at a juncture where we can comfortably part ways without any ill-feelings. 

Look, friend, I… I don’t understand the struggles you’ve had, you know? I can’t. They are too greatly intertwined with the person you are who I am not. But I get it: you’ve got more going on in your life than my presence. I landed knee deep in all of that, you know. And I still have to leave you in that mess when I leave. And I am leaving. 

You were happy about that once upon a time or you would have been happy about that a couple weeks ago, but things change. You change. But my ability or inability to do anything to help you or help you more than I already have really hasn’t.

And look, I did not do much. I shoved you off of a ledge you were eventually going to fall from. You were already going to quit your PhD program. That wasn’t a small feat in the slightest. It was just dealing with the fallout that you needed some help with. And I could do that. Easily. By telling you what you didn’t want to see. 

They could choose to hurt you, after all, but you couldn’t entirely choose not to feel hurt. Acknowledging it--whether or not you do, specifically--was something you could choose. And that’s what you wanted to focus on. To your detriment or not. I really couldn’t even force you to see that it was detrimental to you. I just needed to nudge the spotlight a bit.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

And yes, sometimes that sort of thing is just ripe for feelings of uselessness, especially for me. I do feel useless, and I know you meant that as a somewhat dismissive joke, but it’s accurate. Look, I… I haven’t been doing this sort of thing that long, alright? It was a random idea meant to help me cope with a situation that I couldn’t deal with. It was an idea that was just not nothing. I mean, I know my clients hear me. I know other people hear me. But I don’t know if it’s enough. 

All the time, anyway. With you, it’s enough. Because you are a strong warrior beyond the gender binary whose going to do what they need to do. And I admire that. And it makes my job easier. Because it’s just a nudge. A slight tap. Then the current you generate sweeps you off your feet and down the path you need to be on. 

Yeah, we’ve had our moments, but things are complicated. Things are always complicated. And moments pass. These things are true. You gave me a hard time, but you gave me hope that… That maybe this approach isn’t so horrible. Like, yes, in some cases, these sessions, like some terrible work meetings, could have been an email, but they aren’t anywhere near as useless as work meetings. And you’ll know that bit soon enough.

Yes, you’ll know soon enough. Look, I can only know the present, which is not going to take you that far, but that one job recruiter’s so-called perfect opportunity is actually a really one. I hope it works out for you. But if it doesn’t--or if you find yourself in similar positions and patterns--these sessions will still be here for you. Relisten at your leisure.

And take care, of course. I might miss you a bit more than I should admit.

(Music fades out. Beep)

The Oracle of Dusk is a production of Miscellany Media Studios with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. It was written, edited, produced, and performed by MJ Bailey. And if you like the show, tell friends about it or the quasi-friends that are still on your social media feeds because social norms evolved before words did, am I right?