Client UC.88M - Session 4

(Beep. Music fades in)

Oh you are not going to like what I have to say this week. Nope, not one bit, and I’ve been dreading this session because we are just going to go right back to anger at this point, and I don’t like that. No, no, no. (Sigh) But this is my duty, I guess. So let’s rip the bandaid off.

You want to be the one who makes choices, right? You like the power that comes from it. You thrive off of the control. But not a malicious kind of control. You wouldn’t inflict your will on other people like that; you know how painful and awful that can be. You know how much it hurts. But when it comes to your own life, your own little bubble of the universe, you want to be in control of that. And, well, sometimes we’re the choice, and sometimes we’re the consequence. And you really aren’t going to like how many times you’re the consequence.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Here’s where I get super tempted to let the rest of this session be between 8 to 13 minutes of soothing music. Because, you know, that would be easier on me. And be easier to edit. But no, I have to.., Well, not be the bigger person because even phrasing it that way is a tiny bit petty. Just a little. 

Look, this goes back to the whole “no human life exists solely withiin a bubble.” Did you think you were the exception somehow? Or that it was a one way street. And excuse my tone because this is a genuine question. Did you really think you were largely unaffected by the choices other people have made.

While I mean it genuinely, I am also asking rhetorically, of course, because I know what the answer is. I know this is how you wanted your life to be, how you wanted events to be, and even if there was evidence that ran counter to that narrative, you were so invested in this version of events that there was no going back. You can’t go back. You’re afraid to. After all, there’s just so much to lose. And by that, I mean the comfort and consolation that you can completely manufacture your reality. You might make mistakes, but they are your mistakes. And therefore, they are somewhat avoidable, right? 

But if you can entertain the thought for a few moments, what choices did you make that were behind the hurts you received? Graduate school, you be saying. That was a choice, and it came back to bite you. But remember what I said before, what choice did you have when you started on this path? This was one place that you thought had fairly good odds of accepting you? And why did you think that? Graduate school maybe had a place for you, you thought, even if there was still far too much debate around your identity. At least some people there were adamant and loud about taking your side. You couldn’t say the same about anywhere else.

And what makes that such a critical decision point, you should ask yourself. How did it get to this? Why was that a concern? And why does the answer to that question feel so familiar?

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

At the absolute bare minimum, we all fall into human existence as weak and helpless infants, and yet that exact moment dictates so much of our life going forward. Where and how we were born for one but who we were born to changes a lot. Or not really changes. You’re somewhat a glorified potato that’s good at screaming when you’re first born. But that single moment that none of us can prevent or sway in any way changes a lot of what comes next by closing certain doors, opening others, and bolting open some more.

My mom was a teacher, and she used to remind parents that their kids did not ask to be born, so yeah, parents had an obligation to their kids to make the most of the choices they had made that led to the child. Many choices, along more lines and in more moments than anyone realizes. And sometimes this not always so gentle reminder would snap parents back into reality. But not always. Not often enough.

Not often enough because they were the ones making choices, and their children were always the one taking on the consequences.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I do admire your strength and your power. It’s more than a little impressive. And nothing I will say can take away that. But the circumstances you were put through weren’t anything anyone would wish upon themselves. Whatever psychological term is at play here is irrelevant. I don’t care. Regardless, you did not deserve that, and you wouldn’t have chosen that. 

But no, I wouldn’t say you were the victim of anything. Not per say because I know how language can fail us. I know it doesn’t always take us where we need to go. But if you do not want to call yourself a victim, then it is not my place to do so. I know that. I might be one of the few who do, but I still know.

I’m not here to change the story you tell yourself about yourself. I’m not here to change you. Goodness knows that nobody could do that and nobody should. I’m not even here to change your course of action. Nothing could have done that, right? So why am I here at all?

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

...is the sort of question that I’ve found to be very hard to answer with some clients. Sure, I can piece it together. But in those cases the answer was truly horrifying (inhale), and that, like, needs to be unpacked with a therapist. And I have one now. I would definitely recommend therapy even if you don’t think you need it because even when your car is running smoothly, you still take it in for a tune up every now and then. And that’s a replaceable car. Certainly brain should get the same standard of care, right?

Then again, it’s possible that I never truly could know. I mean, I don’t know how this works, and certainly the how would come before the why. But in your case, as you try my patience, I think you needed someone to stand in the space beside you as you went through this. As you cleaned up and reshaped your life. As you made changes and lost baggage along the way. 

Like right now, realizing that you aren’t in complete control is going to make you angry. Again. But then you are going to be sad again. And for some reason my voice might bring you comfort. Because no matter what there was never a divide between us. You tried to push me away, and I stayed. You are as you are, and I stayed. That’s better than most have done, right?

(Music fades out. Beep)

The Oracle of Dusk is a production of Miscellany Media Studios with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. It was written, edited, produced, and performed by MJ Bailey. And if you like the show, tell friends about it or the quasi-friends that are still on your social media feeds because social norms evolved before words did, am I right?