Client Missed - Session 4

(Beep.)

No one likes being completely alone.

(Music fades in)

You’re no different in that. You didn’t choose to be alone, completely or otherwise. You choose to not be a distraction. You choose to take care of her. You choose to be “good,” as you called it. You chose to be helpful. You choose everything but this. It just so happened to be a package deal. 

And you were young when you made that choice, too young to negotiate. Too young to pick it all apart and take off the pieces you did not want, clearing space for the ones you did. Assuming that was possible, of course. It might not have been, but in theory it was. I can’t know for sure. I wasn’t there when this all transpired. And my gift is surprisingly present focused. I see the marks of the past on your heart, but I don’t see what caused them. I can make sense of the point of impact but little else. And sometimes, that’s all I need. But it doesn’t mean I can play the what-if game.

But you want to play the what-if game, I know. It’s either distracting or a misguided attempt at finding comfort. It doesn’t matter which. Neither will yield anything. 

At that you grin, because you think I’m wrong. You know it produces something. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

An occupied mind is a mind that thinks it has company, after all, you almost say. You’re surprised you have that thought, though. It feels far more profound than the ones you normally come up with. Which is just a bit overly self-deprecating, don’t you think? 

In any event, I should correct you. The mind is not tricked or deceived. Only distracted. Too distracted to feel what has almost become normal. 

And that latter detail makes it all even sadder, doesn’t it? 

But that’s not the biggest issue, right now. I know. There’s other bigger things on your plate, other fires that need to be put out, etc. etc. It’s just a compounding factor, really. It is the issue that makes so many others worse. You’d be surprised how much a steady hand can get you through. Or the abstract “you” would be surprised. You, the person whom this tape was meant for, know that quite well. 

(Music fades out)

You’re living the exact opposite of it. And it’s proving to be education, albeit in the worst sort of way.

(Music fades in)

Because you can see the shoreline, right? You can see it in the distance. You know that swimming to it is possible. But it’s not the sort of thing you can muster right now. You don’t have the strength. You haven’t had it in quite a while. That is part of the problem. That is part of its power. It being this parasitic shadow sucking your energy up, its mouth latched onto your mind and heart. 

The metaphor fell apart right there. The distance between the head and heart is, what, eighteen inches. I’m not quite sure. I’m not good at estimating, but how can a mouth extend that far? It’s actually easier. Or it’s easier when it’s not a human mouth. If you stop imaging a human mouth, there is no more limitation there. After all, dinosaurs were a thing. And they can come back for a metaphor.

But no, you want to insist on human, humanoid, or human adjacent: that’s what feels right. Because this thing feels like you. Or it’s vaguely reminiscent of you. It’s so hard to explain or to make other people understand. But it is you and not you. A force that draws its existence from you and yet also seeks to destroy you. 

You want to beg me to understand. But you don’t need to that. And I do understand. I understand far too well. 

It’s not the dreams that tell me this. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I know a lot about living in a nightmare like that, a nightmare that seems never-ending, that extends in all directions almost entirely without break. Occasionally, there are gaps, small holes that you can peek your head through and catch a breath or two, a small fortification before you go on ahead. Enough for the strength to take a few more steps past wherever your breaking point had been. You know you have one. You know you’re far too close to hitting it. But you don’t know where it is.

And worse yet, these sustaining breaths aren’t frequent enough nor do they last long enough to make enough of a difference. And the general malaise is still seeping your life out of you. It’s not enough. Nothing you’ve tried has been enough. You rack your mind for something else. You try to come up with some other idea, one that might work, one that you can muster up enough of your strength to do. There has to be something, right? There’s a right answer to this quandary just like there was to every challenge you were given in school. There has to be something you can do, something you can try that will be enough.

There has to be something you alone can do, you vow. There has to be something you can do by yourself. 

But no, I argue back, surprised I said it with such force. There’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing like that. I know. There wasn’t something I could do by myself. Nothing I tried was enough. I needed help. I needed to reach out. I needed to call out for a line and seize it. Every time it happened, I needed another hand. I needed someone to start pulling me to shore. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

You’ve heard the line before. There’s no shame in asking for help. There’s nothing wrong with it. It isn’t a sign you are too weak. In fact, quite the opposite is true for you. It will take more strength that you think you can muster. You aren’t just breaking free of the chain this monster has wrapped you up in. You are also breaking a habit, one that has defined your life since childhood. 

Then again, maybe I did speak too soon. This is up to you. Reaching out to the ties extended to you, the ropes you always thought needed to go to someone else, that is up to you. It’s a step only you can take. I know they’ll pull you in. Your family. Your friends. I know they will help you. But this first step is yours. 

(Music fades out. Beep.)

The Oracle of Dusk is a production of Miscellany Media Studios with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. It was written, edited, produced, and performed by MJ Bailey. And if you like the show, tell friends about it or the quasi-friends that are still on your social media feeds because social norms evolved before words did, am I right?