Client M2J.5S0R3 - Session 4

(Beep. Music fades in.)

I didn’t feel good about that last session. Should that matter? No. It shouldn’t. You lost so much more. Which is why I feel bad about feeling this way and for using that  to discredit my own feelings, so many apologies all around. (Pause.) Look, I knew that wasn’t going to be funny. Was I trying to be funny? I don’t know anymore. I still said it, though.

Look, if I was “selected” for this, it wasn’t because I work well under pressure. Quite the contrary. Obviously. I like to think my redeeming quality is that I care about people. And despite the tensions that have been between us, I’ve come to care about you. Genuinely.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

I felt the pain of your loss last session. Did it happen right then? Not exactly. It just became real in that moment.  No, it some ways, it was always real. Because you could never really be with her. You could rest parts of yourself with her. You could ensure that somewhere out there, a part of you could remain safe and be loved. And that’s gone now. Not because her epilepsy wasn’t diligently monitored and cared for. It was. But she fell through the cracks as it were. The exception most can only fear being once they know about it.

Yet another stroke of bad luck for you. It wasn’t deserved. None of it has been. Let me just preemptively kill a thought that’s about to pop into your head. It’s an easier to accept explanation for it all. I know that well. Been there. Done that. Seriously let me save you some steps down a path I’ve walked before and know for a fact doesn’t go anywhere.

This isn’t your fault. This had little to nothing to do with you.

I don’t mean to sound condescending when I say that sometimes bad things happen with no good reason or without any easily identifiable inciting force. And that inciting forces can be hard to parse out in general, but that it will seldom be the recipient of that bad fortune. It’s something we first hear as children, but it’s a lesson we tend to forget. Or want to forget. Because it would be easier if it wasn’t true, right? I mean, if it was all of our doing, it means we have control, power, a better sense of agency, so much more than what we actually have. Even when you do  mess up or dropped a few balls, there’s always hope for redemption or to make things right. Because you have the power.

But there’s nothing you can correct. You are not the guilty party. These transgressions happened against you. Not by you. Not caused by you.

(Music fades out)

You are not flawed and you are not wrong. You are beautiful. Warm. Perfect.

(New music fades in)

It’s nothing you haven’t heard before, right? She told you that back when you could pretend to be hers. And you’ve cherished the careful cadence and light timbre of her voice when she said those things even during those many moments when you could not even begin to believe her. No matter how strong your doubt was, you’d still close your eyes and imagine your head resting against her again. Far flung dreams in fairytale places, they seemed like. But they shouldn’t have been.

And then there’s her. Your “now,” as it were. And at first, you thought she was a storm all her own, but now you don’t know what to make of her. You know she kicks up the dust of your many shattered dreams. Her presence leaves you in ecstasy, sending you through the atmosphere to corners of the galaxy where heartache can’t happen. Where you could find a happiness that their claws could never pry away.

But then she gets upset, she falls into her own sadness, she withdraws, and you know a low you couldn’t previously imagine despite all the hurt you have received. It’s the uncertainty, you’ve decided. You don’t know why she’s upset or what her opinion of you actually is, so every down tick in her mood feels like you are losing her.

Because what if it was something you did or said? What if it’s just you?

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

You’re not helpless though. You’ve never been. The question you’ve had is whether or not it’s worth the fight.

Your fighting spirit is what first drew her in. It was a bit of a fascination to be honest, but once she found your warmth beneath the surface, she fell for you. Hard. But not in a way she regrets.

And so she does you a favor or two. Quietly when she thinks no one is looking. Anything to make you smile, but she’s not bold, so it’s been hard to know what’s on your mind. If it’s you. And if that’s a good thing. She doesn’t fully realize it, but there’s a great many reasons why declaring her love for you isn’t the best thing right now. She knows of a few. You know of a few. But the whole is greater than the sum of its parts and all that.

But for now, do you remember her love declaration? Back then. Back in what feels like another life. Actually I know the answer to that. You’re worried about accuracy, though, aren’t you? Has your memory faded? Oh wait, you want to ask me that. Unpopular opinion, but I don’t think the details matter as much. You know what the moment really was, what was at its core. You know the level that actually matters.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Her voice and her hands had a slight tremble to them, didn’t they, as she handed you the rose. You didn’t like roses, but you did like the color red. The latter she had picked up on. The former not so much. She didn’t know what she was doing. She was genuinely trying, though, and she was scared. But hey, she thought, cliches are grounded in reality, so why not go with that?

Even then you were surprised that this could happen. And that’s what you found yourself focusing on. Not the flower and your dislike for it. Her, you did like, very much so, and while she should have been happy or relieved to have your affections returned, you could only met her declaration with surprise and wide eyes. You couldn’t believe it. And, hey, maybe some of your doubt was rooted in the inappropriate flower choice.

We both know your doubt was not rooted in the inappropriate flower choice. But she could have assumed it was just that and left it there. But she didn’t. And maybe that conclusion was just too far for her to ever jump to. After all, by then, your souls had seemingly aligned. She saw the hurt you carried. She felt it, and she say the way that soil was sprouting insecurity.

(Music fades out)

“I’m falling in love with you,” she whispered as she gently cupped your face in her hands. “And it’s been beautiful. I want you to see that.”

You didn’t know how to respond to that, but you knew you wanted to kiss her. So you leaned in. But she stopped you.

“I need a promise,” she said. “That if I kiss you. You’ll let me show you the beauty that I see, that you’ve given me.”

Confused, you hesitated.

She went on. “Let me show you the beauty of the woman I have fallen in love with.’

(Music fades in)

You didn’t think she could do that, which would have made striking that bargain a bit unfair. I mean, setting someone up to fail like that is a bit of a jerk move. But you couldn’t think too much about that. You wanted to kiss her. That’s all you could think about. And you were getting better at fighting for what you want.

So you leaned in and kissed her.

(Pause)

She thought she had a lifetime to make it happen, but all the same, to her credit, she didn’t waste any time. She couldn’t. She thought it would fix things or at least divest you of the complications if she could make you see what she did because that’s how dreamers understand the world, especially when they have the truth in their hands.

You knew it wasn’t so simple. That a train was coming that you couldn’t jump out of the way of. Your blood was practically magnetic, affixing you to the track with a force much stronger than you both. She couldn’t change that. And you could never understand why she tried so hard.

But there was a night beneath a sky of clear and unobstructed stars when it seemed like everything and everyone else was left somewhere else, to be polite about it. Not a world away but far enough for you to feel the open air. And in that open air it was just your souls laid bare. And in those moments you felt what she had been saying.

Believe? Not quite. But it was still your reality.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Circumstances had been left at the proverbial door, and for the first time ni your life, you felt like love was yours to seize.

Between then and now, plans have gone awry, haven’t they?. And though your family and his can try and blame it all on things you may or may not have done behind closed doors of your marital home, his choices were worse and far more public than anything you have been accused of. With them, fate and destiny have both been shattered shattered, and you are left to fill in the gaps. Because they never really had a Plan B, did they? Now, you just have to make the most of where you are.

Circumstances have changed. The first ones are gone, distant. So what will you do in this space here and now? Will you remember all those things she had whispered to you back then? All those moments you shared with her? All the joy? Everything she tried to make you believe?

(Music fade out. Beep.)