CLient KG2.50F - Session 3

(Beep. Music fades in.)

Bargaining… That’s one of the stages of grief, right? Originally five and then in some circles seven. But in reality, you can’t call them stages or steps in the traditional sense. It’s a hurricane of sorts, more accurately. You fly around the storm, around the spiral rainbands, as the violent winds hurl you about. And the different parts of grief are really just sections. And this is where the metaphor falls apart because science doesn’t treat hurricanes like pies and slice them up but bear with me. 

You fly around the different stages: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, and what could only be called acceptance, even if the word isn’t quite right. And eventually the storm drops you off. Either you’re dropped out of it or it completely dissipates around you. And either way, you’re miles away from where you started. 

That’s grief. It’s the sort of hurricane that you can actually survive. The sort of hurricane that can affect no one but you. That throws you around personally. In a way that some people may not understand if they haven’t ridden a storm of their own. After all, it’s not the sort of storm that others can see.

(Music fades out and new music fades in - quicker than usual)

Oh don’t worry. None of the other clients are listening to this. They’re… Well, they’re grieving obviously. They are grieving the world that they knew that won’t be the same when this is over. And that change isn’t because of this. The timing of it all just wasn’t great. Well, timing in this case could never have been great, but you know what I mean. And no offense taken, really. Everyone’s going through a lot, and if not listening to me saves you some personal emotional labor, then it saves me from having to deal with their personal emotional labor. Which I’m not great at. And I know it looks like I don’t always try, but I do try. I just often fail. Spectacularly. All in all, this is just the best thing for everyone.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Regardless, it’s you and me now. For whatever that may be worth to you. Yes, there are other people listening in. That’s how a podcast works. But at least, it’s not too many people, all things considered. Also, it’s no one you know. Your cousin, like so many other people, could not get over the second person usage, which… Fair enough. It was more a practical choice than anything else. But yeah.

But that does mean that you don’t need to put up any defenses. Not here and not with me. Because it would not matter if you did or didn’t. Nothing can change what I’m about to say; this is pre-recorded, after all. But also, this is based on things that you cannot change regardless of how ornate and detailed you make the facade you use to hide them.

After all, no matter how many details you add to a lie, it is still a lie. It really just makes the lie that much harder to maintain.

But what about necessity though? You could be saying. And see, that’s what I need to talk about with you.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

But kudos to you for figuring out the connection, the theme as it were, a while back. It was there to be noticed, after all, but sometimes it’s hard for people to get past the feelings the words invoke, so they don’t notice. I can’t worry about it, to be honest, but that doesn’t mean I won’t take a bit of joy when things work out. Like here. With you. You who saw the writing on the wall before anyone else did. Clever. 

But then again, it isn’t all that great because now you’ve spent far too much time--as any time is too much time--worrying about what your bargain is or--more accurately--should have been. Because you aren’t inclined to make one, you and your makeshift not exactly biological family. Biological adjacent, I guess. Well, there’s nothing you need. You know you shouldn’t think that, but you do, and therein lies the complication.

This is a picture perfect family, and you’re lucky to have them. But you’re essentially on your backup set of parents, and there’s never a great reason to be on the backup set. It’s not like a bonus set. Like an additional set that you get to enjoy on top of the original parents you were born with it. The aforementioned original set of parents you were born with when you fell into this world without a choice is not the one that takes care of you now. And maybe they should have been. Or maybe they could have been.

So now you’re wondering if that’s the deal you should want to strike. What would you give up to have been born to better versions of your biological parents, you asked yourself. What would you give up to have them take care of you? You don’t want to think about that beyond the passing but truthful acknowledgment that you would have to give up everything.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Life is messy and complex, sure, but it’s the sort of mess that builds upon itself. One moment affects all that comes after. It’s the butterfly effect, you could call it, if you remember how popular that buzz word was a few years back, I understand why you might not want to. (softer) Wow that was a surprisingly annoying time. (Normal) But regardless of that, for you this is especially true. But your family, this makeshift family, has been your family for years. The comings and--emphasis here as a reminder and agreement--goings of your biological family did not really change that. Not in a meaningful way. 

So these people that you live with now, they became your family years ago. And that simple moment--not really a choice technically because it was their hearts that led not their minds, and that’s just me being really pedantic here--but that simple moment dictated everything in your life that came afterwards. And in some ways, everything you know now, everything that you are now, this entire state of your being is not yours to give up. It was made for you. And in many others, you don’t have to give it up.

There’s no bargain you need to strike. Because this whole thing isn’t just about grief but also about consequences.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Everything that we chose has a consequence. All the choices that we don’t make or that were made for us have consequences. Nothing happens in a vacuum or a bubble. Nothing is fully contained. It can’t be. That’s just not how human existence works. Things are connected. Not all things necessarily have to be connected to all other things for this to be true. There just have to be a few connections that extend beyond us and ourselves. As is the case in life. In your life where the choices of your biological and biological adjacent parents set you on a path to touch, comfort, love, teach, guide, and so on. There were people who needed you that may not have had you if you were not raised by your aunt and uncle. They might not have even met you otherwise. Not without that moment years ago that they cannot understand or fathom.

Like your friends. Great example. You would have gone to a different school, and none of them would have ever met you. And they wouldn’t have met each other. They would have drifted in different directions, and given how great things are now, I don’t think it’s worth speculating about whether the alternatives really would have been worth anything or anything more. What you have right now is good, and that’s good enough. 

And what about your cousin? And all the secrets you share that end with your guidance? Always for the better. What would she have done without you?

I could go on and on. But it’s game night, right? Again, you should probably go out there.

Oh and of course, your pain is a part of all that too. I can’t deny that. But if even you wouldn’t go above and beyond to undo those knots, I certainly have no right to do so. It has to be your choice to accept or dread this. I can’t dictate that for you. Nor should I. And you shouldn’t let anyone else do that, either. After all, sometimes, there really isn’t a bargain worth making.

(Music fades out. Beep)

The Oracle of Dusk is a production of Miscellany Media Studios with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. It was written, edited, produced, and performed by MJ Bailey. And if you like the show, tell friends about it or the quasi-friends that are still on your social media feeds because social norms evolved before words did, am I right?