A Message from ‘Oracle 2’

(Beep. Music fades in.)

[Clearly reading off of a script] I don’t know how to say this or much of anything, really, which is probably how this whole thing got out of hand. Also, I don’t know where to start. I think this message, kindly relayed on my behalf, needs to be an apology. But I’m not good at apologies. Really, though, no one is, I suspect. It’s not easy to admit when we’ve done wrong. And it’s also not easy to mentally conceptualize how ‘wrong’ we were or how far the effect extends, considering we are talking about our impact on other people. Intention and effect are two very different things, and we’re only consciously aware of one. In terms of effect, there’s just too many variables that aren’t mine to consider. So more often than not, I don’t.

When the dreams or nightmares started for you, you did try to tell me about them. I was only half-paying attention. I was so caught up in fixing this--in doing what I thought was protecting you--that I ran through things I didn’t understand and did not take them into consideration. That was a mistake. A mistake that I doubled down upon once I was aware of it.

In hindsight, I know I let you down, and I’ve known for a while. But I couldn’t immediately understand just how far the ball fell when I dropped it. I focused on that variable, the variable or collection of that I could not really calculate for or understand. It was an excuse to stop trying.

I didn’t know how scared you were. I didn’t know how that fear--in many ways--was inevitable, considering everything that was involved. I did not know how you felt. I could have asked, sure, but then we’re getting into matters of intensity, which feel important and painfully relevant. As an example, you are afraid of spiders, but I’ve never known you to not take one of those little fellas outside when they make themselves known in our apartment. This was different. Maybe I could have realized that because there is no taking these dreams outside and releasing them out into the world to find a new home and person to bother. 

In hindsight, a question or two wouldn’t have done nothing on that front. But because they didn’t do everything, I didn’t try at all. And I thought that was a good reason. Which is something else to apologize for. And now I’m back at square one. I’m trying to apologize, but I don’t know how. So I don’t. 

Sure, there’s advice columns and YouTube videos out there on the subject. That's what it means to live in this current year. If you don’t know how to do something, you can find some sort of guide out there readily available. But the information I did find didn’t exactly help. It was telling me to gather up pieces that I didn’t have and couldn’t easily find. 

But I should start off by just saying, ‘I’m sorry’ instead of trying to find someone else to do it, instead to provoke someone else into putting those words out there for a completely different set of activities that have little to nothing to do with us. For those things they did that had a minimal effect on us. Even less so had I been a proper partner.

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

Or they might have even a positive effect on you, even. I don’t know. I thought that was the problem, though. Not me. Certain not you and not your dreams. But her. I wanted it to be her problem for a number of reasons, including that the apology would be something she would have to give. And presumably, she would be able to do that better than me. The bar is in the basement after all. But even then, even if she couldn’t, it wasn’t our problem, per say. We could move on from it. 

In all the research I did do, everyone said that you’re supposed to start off by saying that you’re sorry. And I am sorry. I don’t like that you’re hurting. And I certainly don’t like that I caused it or worsened it in some way. I hate that. I hate my actions. And I hate the part of me that made those choices. And in my mind, the solution--the best solution--certainly better than an apology poorly given, is to just fix it. To make sure that it never happens again. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

In my mind, plenty of people who do offer real and genuine-sounding apologies, apologies that are technically sound, don’t always do that part, and we want them to. We want them to give us their word and then follow through on real, tangible steps to improve the situation and prevent it from ever happening again. Because they can’t rewrite the past, but they can prevent the future. I got caught up on that. I wanted to prevent future incidents. But I didn’t understand.

I poured myself into this wol\rld trying to understand, but I really wasn’t listening. I pushed through things I didn’t understand and didn’t take them into consideration. In doing so, I repeated my mistake. And I’m sorry.

And I’m sorry this isn’t a real apology because this is coming from a different mouth. But I know you listen to this voice, and I have no right to ask you to listen to mine. Turnabout being fair play and all. Also, it’s hard to ignore this voice. You may want to because you know what’s going to happen is a reading of you and/or your situation, consider the word ‘read’ in two senses. Which does sting. But it’s also public though anonymous. If other people are listening, then it’s hard to ignore. Or at least, that was my experience. Other people were listening. You were listening. And I wanted to know what this person was saying. I wanted to know what you thought of me and if this person was going to change that. But I never heard anything you didn’t already know. 

(Music fades out and new music fades in)

So, to get to the end of it, is that I guess I’m supposed to ask for a second chance. That’s the point to an apology, right? We started with the ‘I’m sorry.And then we got to the real recognition of the issue and not the easy version where I don’t actually have to have any self awareness. We got a real naming of the problem. We also learned that I can’t focus on your feelings but my failings. And in doing so, I saw so many more occurrences of this same thing. It wasn’t a mistake but a pattern. And no one could tell me how to apologize for a pattern. Which might be because you can’t. 

But going forward, I want to help you. Genuinely and truly help in a way that only you can dictate. I want to get you through this next step and every step in your life. Above all, I want to be a better partner. And I promise to work everyday on that. I thought in doing so not speaking was the first step because it meant I couldn’t bulldoze through a conversation to get to a point that I could only assume existed. Trying to not make the same mistake was a first step, I guess. But for once in a very long time, I am open to correction.

(Music fades out. Beep)

And that’s the end of season 4. In addition to more seasons, there’s another surprise coming to this feed, and it’s actually going to hit in April. It’s an announcement. And since you stuck around for the credits, I’ll go ahead and give you a hint. Maybe there’s something like a podcasting universe around the oracle that’s coming out. But for now, that’s all I’ll say. Like I said, the announcement is a couple weeks. But for now, the Oracle of Dusk is a production of Miscellany Media Studios with music licensed from the Sounds like an Earful music supply. It was written, edited, produced, and performed by MJ Bailey. And if you like the show, tell friends about it or the quasi-friends that are still on your social media feeds because social norms evolved before words did, am I right?